Ask Ceil – Rabbit Aliens!

Dear Ceil,

Is there life on other planets?

Carl Sagan1

Dear Carl1,

Yes. I know this for several reasons.

First: One day, several years ago–a long, long time ago as a matter of fact–I was in New York. It was a crisp spring day and I was on my way to Pearl Paint. I’m crossing the street and I look casually over my shoulder at the people around me and notice this woman with the smallest head I’ve ever seen in real life. It looked like someone had applied a sort of voodoo to her, but then put her in a business suit and a tan trench coat. She didn’t smile. I wasn’t sure a smile would fit, you know, on her head.

That’s stayed with me for a long time.

A long time.

Haunting, it was.

Also, there was a time in college where I had snuck into a bar and was illegally drinking beer with another college student that I didn’t know. He looked deeply into my eyes, and said, “You’re real, aren’t you?”

I didn’t know if that was some kind of test, or maybe an alien secret handshake. Maybe I was supposed to respond with an equally cryptically-worded sentence. Something like, “you look like laughter.”

So I know there are aliens among us.

Second: According to Wikipedia (the source of all human knowledge2) the mediocrity principal states that “there is nothing very unusual about the evolution of our solar system, the Earth, any one nation, or humans.”

If there is one thing that I am a firm believer in, it’s mediocrity. I believe in it because I see it all around me. Take baseball for example. As a batter, you can be successful 3 out of 10 times, and you’re a star! Or better yet, look around the average (no pun intended) retail store. Some of the “sale” signs might be missing, or crooked. There’s that one fixture that’s just tall enough that no one dusts it. For crying out loud, the cashier is standing there eating Funyuns and talking to his co-worker, and a little piece flies out of his mouth and lands on her collar. And when she comes over to help me, is there any way I can look at anything else?

So, all evidence points towards Earth being not all that special. I mean, maybe if we glowed in the dark or something? But we don’t.

Third, there’s this big thing on Mars. A little note out there to extra-terrestrials who like to drop monoliths on planets: We have telescopic technology now. Had it a long time. You can’t hide your big rectangular monoliths anymore. And by the way, no cavemen on Mars yet. Simps. I can’t believe Arthur C. Clarke’s estate didn’t sue those aliens for copyright infringement. The nerve of some…things. Honestly.

1 Not the famous Carl Sagan. I checked. Though now I have to stay at least 500 feet away from the famous Mr. Sagan’s house. Also, anywhere his relatives might be during the day or night. (Shout out to the real Carl Sagan! Big fan!)
2 LOL!

Dear Ceil,

Well, Easter is over and we bought this rabbit. What do we do with it now?

Hopping in Hoboken

Dear Hopping,

I know, every year all the families go out and buy the cute little bunnies and chickies. Aren’t they sweet? Look how fluffy? Let’s name him “Fluffy”. That’s a great name. It’ll be great for Easter. It’ll be like a decoration. We can even put Fluffy in the window so all the neighbors can see how wonderfully we can use live animals as decor!

But then the next week comes and you’ve still got this thing you have to feed and water, and of course your kids just love this except your kids still can’t remember to put their underwear on under their clothing, so the care of an animal seems right out.

But you’ve got to do something. So here are some suggestions:

1. Use your bunny to motivate you to exercise. Build a little crate on your treadmill, and have your bunny stare right at you as you exercise. It’s better than a personal trainer, because their stoic bunny faces say, “You disappoint me.”

2. Teach your bunny to forage for food. This can be helpful in the case of a total human apocalypse. Bunnies have a good sense of smell, so take your bunny into the back yard and let him (or her) sniff several kinds of edible plants and bushes. Then turn your bunny loose on the world, and see what he (or she) has brought back after a couple of days.

3. See if your bunny can carry a basket full of eggs. Useful for next year. Also, see if your bunny looks good in hats, or can wear flowered aprons. Adds to the allure. You should probably refrain from having a child sit on the bunny’s lap. Actual bunnies (not the Easter Bunny) do not carry the weight of a seven-year-old as well as you might think.

4. Get your bunny to sell a cereal. Just imagine the money you’d make if you could get your bunny to be a spokesman (spokesrabbit?) for a major cereal brand. The Trix rabbit was very successful using this technique, and I think that opened the door for other rabbits to break the “human ceiling” for endorsements.

Which brings me to my last idea.

5. Teach your rabbit to talk. If you really want to rake in some serious coin, you’ve got to have a hook. A gimmick. Freaks of nature are always good for this. As technology increases, there might be a way to hook up a digital voice box to the bunny, just to hear them a little more clearly. I mean, if you’re going to get endorsements, you’ll need that rabbit not just to speak, but to speak authoritatively. Nobody’s going to believe a meek rabbit.

You can also get some ideas from this video. (What they don’t mention, somewhat modestly, is that the music in the background is being played by an all-bunny band. Remarkable!)

Ceil Kessler is not an alien. Really. She would tell you if she was from a star system within traveling distance of spacecraft with standard fuel-propelled motion, and moreover she would absolutely own up to putting monoliths here and there. Who keeps big black boxes around in the dimensions of the first three natural squares, anyway? Certainly not Ceil Kessler. She likes bunnies though. Just as friends.

Note from Ceil to the readers:

We are thinking of a new format here at Ask Ceil. If you would be so kind as to supply a subject, a verb and an object in the comments, I will write a story based on these things, perhaps once each month. Something like, “Bear chases rabbit.” Or “Man buys fish.” For the record, I promise nothing, except that I am sincerely trying something new, and not just using you as my playthings. Well, not altogether.


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