What should I get all of my lack of soulmates for Valentine’s Day?
Sincerely Solitary in Seaside Heights
You know, you really can go a few ways with this Valentine’s Day thing. Take it from me, it doesn’t have to suck.
1. You can lament that fact that you’ve got no one to hold hands with and gaze deeply into their eyes.
You know that scene from the movies. They’re at the library, perhaps. She’s holding the Dungeons and Dragons Guide to Monsters and leaning suggestively against the bookcase. He accidentally trips over his shoelace and bumps into her, and the 8- and 20-sided dice shoot out from behind his pocket-protector and roll onto her book. She picks it up, looks at him and they both realize it’s true love. They kiss, and romantic medieval music plays softly to the fade.
Ok, there are no movies like that, and frankly since I got married I barely get to watch any movies that don’t have explosions or Andrew McCarthy in them. (Don’t ask.) Not only are there no movies like that, there are no moments like that. First, no one has their own background music. Second, if you’re married and you have kids, the only time you gaze into your partner’s eyes is when you are sending silent messages saying, “Did you just see that?” Or “Unbelieveable.” Or “Help me.”
But if you’re determined to lament, do it right. On Valentine’s Day, dress in black, go to a coffee shop, and stare at all the couples on their first dates. See if you can’t catch their eye, and when you do, burst into tears. Then buy some chocolate, go home and watch “Dirty Dancing”, or a really good hockey game (just as romantic).
2. Protest Valentine’s Day.
Hallmark is in Kansas City, MO. The Godiva plant is in Reading, PA. FTD is in Downer’s Grove, IL. Why not make it a weekend, take a little time for yourself, make a sign that’s creative and sends the right message.
Sing it, Batman
Stand in front of one of these locations, strip yourself naked, attach sign, open a beer.
I like the sentiment
You might need a scarf and a hat, or some gloves. It’s February. Don’t forget a chair and a good book. Also, you’ll want to be mindful of local laws. Make sure you don’t litter.
(I think my editor gets a little nervous when I give advice. Try not to get frostbite. Or arrested.)
3. You can remember that, without all the people you dislike, you wouldn’t know how much you like your friends.
Go ahead and send out valentines to people you don’t really like. First, it could open up a new line of communication. Maybe the reason they don’t make another pot of coffee at work when they’ve just finished one is because they have an irrational fear of coffee grounds. Or maybe she insulted you in that last meeting because she has a medical problem that makes her a jerk. Second, it will provide you with unending amusement. Your target will be trying to figure out what it all means for weeks. If you’d like, really pile it on. Smile at him and say, “Hi, Jim! I never told you this before but… I love that tie!” If you’re lucky, they may avoid you.
4. You can appreciate being by yourself.
You know you love yourself. Really show you how much.
Put on a nice outfit. Get a romantic movie. Get a special meal. Light some candles. Finish with a fantastic dessert, and put yourself to bed.
For example, in my case, this would be cotton pajamas with fuzzy pink socks, and lasagna and red wine topped off with tiramisu, while watching the Matrix trilogy. And then I’d fall asleep on the couch. It’s the perfect date night.
Who needs friends anyway?
How can I tell if the dream I had last night meant anything?
Subconscious in Sarasota
Did the dream have any rockets, trains, or kayaks? Or perhaps a tunnel? Maybe you are supposed to travel. Sometimes a monorail is just a monorail.
There are lots of dream dictionaries on the internet. Google it. Or, you know, you could go another way.
You can check out a dream bank to see if your dream is there. For instance, a common dream like Godzilla is chasing you in a Kmart, or this one I always seem to get, an alligator is dressed like an ostrich. If either one of these dreams is also a recurring one for you, you finally have a solution! So convenient!
You can get dream interpretation for only $4.99 per minute! So you can pay someone to tell you what you were thinking! Probably, very slowly! I find myself wanting to pay a person to tell me what other people are thinking, when they pay a total stranger to tell them what they’re thinking.
Especially this guy.
You can just log onto Yahoo Answers and let a random person interpret your dreams. This is actually my favorite method. Even if it has no chance of being right, it’s amusing watching people try.
“Q. When you dream about snakes jumping on you, what does that mean?”
“A. [facepalm] It’s a dream….”
(Or maybe it’s amusing watching people NOT try.)
And if you have nothing to do for Valentine’s Day, why not log on and answer a few yourself? Who knows, you might be a natural!
Ceil Kessler is a writer who likes longs walks on the beach, romantic movies and candlelight. She also likes her husband, yet has no plans for Valentine’s Day past running errands. Perhaps she’ll make a lasagna. She dreams one day of ruling the world, but then she also dreams that her 4th grade teacher was running for senate, and that Ronald McDonald knocked on the door of the airplane she didn’t own, so he could borrow a hammer. So, you never know. Wishing you all a great Valentine’s Day, and whether you choose to spend it clothed or unclothed, remember to eat chocolate. Good for the heart, that’s what they say.
All images came from a site called Smosh Pit. Check ’em out!