Ask Ceil – Government Puppets

Dear Ceil

I just read that there’s a Super Congress in Washington now. Is it better than the regular Congress?

Feeling Heroic in Helena

Dear Heroic,

Yes, it is better than the regular Congress, in that there are far fewer politicians in it. Ironically, a Super Congress is smaller than the regular congress, which is possibly why they’re having such a hard time with math in Washington. Or perhaps these twelve people represent the best that Congress has to offer, and in that case, I am in favor of getting rid of the rest of them. If we can crystallize the futility of the current political climate into twelve individuals, I see no need to keep the other 552 around.

Just to paint a picture of why a Super Congress is needed, picture your family trying to agree on something to do for the evening. Or think of your old college roommates figuring out how to split up the phone bill properly. Or recall the last time you went out with friends and you tried to divide the bill yourselves.

So now, imagine 564 people trying to divide a restaurant bill. And now imagine that they forgot to add the tip, and some of them had drinks, and some of them only ordered an appetizer because they weren’t very hungry, and two people got charged for cheesecake even though the guy from Indiana said he ordered pie. And now, imagine taking a fork from the table and stabbing yourself in the heart, because that would be the only way you’d get out of the restaurant.

The Super Congress, having their new capes and tights, has been charged with cutting $1.5 trillion from the deficit over 10 years. Everything is apparently on the table, including returning the new capes and tights. (We kept the receipts.) They are required to come up with something by the day before Thanksgiving. Incidentally, most Americans were planning to get drunk the next day anyway.

There is a real chance we can figure this budget question out rationally. And all we have to do is get 12 reasonable people in a room, present them with the facts, and expect them to make some tough but sensible decisions. Therefore, I think the first priority of the Super Congress should be to find 12 reasonable people.


Dear Ceil,

I already bought Bert & Ernie a wedding present. Should I return it or wait to see if they reconcile?

Plush in Parsippany

Dear Plush,

Return the present. Ernie is irresponsible, and he spends an awful lot of time in the bathtub.

Bert is too serious and has an unnatural relationship with a pigeon named Bernice.

They both show signs of a serious mental disorder. Bert has OCD and Ernie a Peter Pan complex (even though he is over 40 years old). And neither one has changed clothes in years except once a day when they change into pajamas. This may be due to the stresses of their everyday life since both are missing fingers.

Finally, even though they have maintained a stable household for 40 years, puppets do not have legal standing to sign contracts in this country. Someday that may change, and we may respect a puppet’s right to self-determination. And perhaps they will finally be freed from a life of having someone’s hand up their butt.

“Slower than a sleeping turtle! Less powerful than a toy locomotive! Unable to pass anything! It’s absurd! It’s in vain! It’s SUPER CONGRESS!”  -@TheTweetOfGod


Ceil Kessler has been writing since she was a small child, at first in kindergarten with crayons, moving to pencils in first grade, and pens shortly thereafter. She was introduced to the computer later in life, and immediately stopped writing and began to surf the internet. Years later, she realized that you could also write stuff on a computer, and that’s where we are today.

She now consults on business intelligence software, markets and publishes the magazine “Business Perks“, runs the Laurel Highlands Vegetarian Society, and heads a team in the Juvenile Diabetes Research Foundation’s “Walk for a Cure” on September 17th. To join or donate to Team Kessler, go to the Teams page and find Team Kessler in Greensburg, Pennsylvania.

If you have questions for Ceil, please send them along to questions@askceil.com, or you can use the Ask Ceil-o-matic form.

Follow her on Twitter at @ceilck.

Italics are excellent, and we did not forget to close the <em>tag.

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5 thoughts on “Ask Ceil – Government Puppets

  1. Congress = Death by Committee

    Bert & Ernie = Bernie. I also have OCD and suspect I may have Peter Pan complex in that I do not feel that I am nearly old enough to be called ma’am. Although I have a big wardrobe, these days I only rarely change out of my pyjamas although I do have fingers.

    The fact that I am comparing myself to a couple of allegedly-gay muppets clearly indicate that it is past my bedtime so I shall change back into my PJs now.

    Thanks for your time.
    With love,
    Congresswoman representing the state of confusion

  2. Pingback: Ask Ceil – Stuff It « Magnificent Nose

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