Author Archive

Friday, April 18, 2014

Ask Ceil – Mustache and Beard Edition

by Ceil Kessler


Dear Ceil,

I have a long, luxurious beard named “HR FluffNStuff”. I recently read that beards are almost past their “peak attractiveness”. Is there any way for me protect my face veil from shame?


Hirsute in Hempfield

Dear Hirsute,

Ah, yes. The fashion peak of facial hair. The worry of the woolly woebegone. The fear of the fleecy flocculent.

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Friday, April 11, 2014

Ask Ceil – E.S.P.

by Ceil Kessler

826 Paranormal explores the Poli Palace Theater Bridgeport, Connecticut 2011

Dear Ceil,

Can I use ESP to send my friend a message about something? I’d rather not confront her.

Bashful in Basking Ridge

Dear Bashful,

I hail from New Jersey where confrontation is practically a team sport, so I typically endorse a more direct approach. But if you have already ruled that out, then let’s learn ESP!

Friday, April 4, 2014

Ask Ceil – Hyper. Focus.

by Ceil Kessler

Dear Ceil,

I can’t seem to focus on anything. Why is that?

Distracted in Detroit

Friday, March 28, 2014

Ask Ceil – Reality Bytes

by Ceil Kessler

Anna Bashmakova and Oculus Rift

Dear Ceil,

Will Virtual Reality lead mankind into a Facebook-fueled dystopian hell?

Nervous in Nashua

Dear Nervous,

Perhaps you speak of the Oculus Rift, that fascinatingly chunky device that is not unlike its older cousin, the View-Master.

Friday, March 21, 2014

Ask Ceil – Spring Happiness

by Ceil Kessler

Holi Celebrations!

Dear Ceil,

What is the best way to celebrate the coming of Spring?

Partying in Palmyra

Dear Partying,

You know, it wasn’t just that Winter was long. It’s that Winter came with a club and a mace and beat us all to death, with its polar vortices and endless shoveling. I used to think, fine, let’s have all four seasons. But thinking about Winter is causing an involuntary choking reflex these last few weeks.

Friday, March 14, 2014

Ask Ceil – Party Monocles

by Ceil Kessler

Anti-Valentine's Day Party: Duct Tape Rose

I am wearing my ponytail on the left side of my head, which, in semaphore, signifies sassiness. I’m feeling a little sassy today. Also, all I’ve had to eat today was a danish and a Sam Adams, but I feel like I’m getting almost all of my nutrients because the SA was made with whole grains. Let’s go!

Dear Ceil,

After I went to Mardi Gras last week I couldn’t find my clothes. Or my hair. Or my house. How can I avoid a similar fate for St. Patrick’s Day?

Lost in LA

Friday, February 28, 2014

Ask Ceil – It Was A Bad Week

by Ceil Kessler
Today’s Ask Ceil has been pre-empted by an essay by Ceil.

My college roommate and I used to have a saying: “Everything is funny. You just have to look at it in the right way.”

So true. But I have to say, this week I struggled to find the funny.

It started last Wednesday.

Friday, February 21, 2014

Ask Ceil – Olympic Foxing

by Ceil Kessler

#16 Ice Skating, #Flickr12Days

Dear Ceil,

How do I get into the Winter Olympics?

Frosted in Fresno

Dear Frosted,

Why on earth would you want to get into the Winter Olympics? You have to train every single day, and always in the cold. Even when everyone else is warm, you have to go find someplace cold to train.  Do you understand? When everyone else is putting on shorts and drinking margaritas, you must seek out cold places so that you can train. Right now it’s February, and I’m shopping for cheap CSI: Miami posters to tape to my windows, so I can fool myself into thinking that it’s warm outside. (I am OK with pretending dead bodies are littering my neighborhood  streets, as long as they’re not laying in 3 feet of snow.)  It’s been cold for so long that the first layer of snow on my porch contains Pleistocene fossils. And it’s never going to end.  It’s winter in my head for the rest of my life. And you would have more of it? On purpose?

Friday, February 14, 2014

Ask Ceil – Psychic Nightclubs

by Ceil Kessler

"Shiny Disco Balls"

Dear Ceil,

How can I become a psychic?

More-Large-Than-Medium in Melrose

Dear Large,

I like where you’re going with this. A lot of people have trouble deciding what to do for a living, but you have picked a profession that is imaginary. I think that takes a good bit of courage. For instance, I have always wanted to be a “Person Who Gets Paid To Hang Out With Friends” for a living, but that never panned out.  I even tried to  make friends with the people I worked with, you know, working it from the other direction. I was predictably (ha!) chagrined when I found out that I also had to do real work. Buzzkill.

Friday, February 7, 2014

Ask Ceil – My Life, In Film and Song

by Ceil Kessler

Personal Income Taxes 2

Dear Ceil,

I need to make a video about a story from my life for a project, but I don’t know where to start. I know you don’t know me, but what event should I use?

Taping in Tuscaloosa

Dear Taping,

Well, there are a few events that every person has in their life. Birth, for example. That event is often taped. It is a story of violence, blood, and ugly, sticky children being pulled from their shouting mothers. And then, there are the shots.


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